Sunday, March 2, 2014

Saleswoman

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home. "Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

Some infuriating and hilarious questions to ask!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

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If people from Poland are called Poles, 

then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ? 

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Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? 

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? 

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? 

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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 

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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: 

When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells 

'THEIRS'? 

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Putting Your Affairs in Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. 

There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS .."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mamma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

Peace, My Heart


Peace, my heart, let the time for
the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end
in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be
gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a
moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp
to light you on your way. 

Rabindranath Tagore

How Beautiful is.......

How beautiful is the Belief, when we belief in the God
How beautiful are the Creatures, when we belief in the Creator
How beautiful is the Motherhood, when we belief in the Sacrifices
How beautiful is the Fatherhood, when we belief in the Battles
How beautiful is the Childhood, when we belief in the Innocence 
How beautiful is the Dream, when we belief in the Ambition
How beautiful is the Contentment, when we belief in the Simplicity
How beautiful is the Life, when we belief in the dead
How beautiful is the Love, when we belief in the Care
How beautiful is the Happiness, when we belief in the Sadness
How beautiful is the Relationships, when we belief in the Tender
How beautiful is the Fruit, when we belief in the Farming
How beautiful is the Confidence, when we belief in Our self
How beautiful is the Beauty, when we belief in Our eyes
How beautiful is the World, when we belief in Peace
How beautiful is the Friendship, when we belief in Brotherhood
How beautiful is the Marriage, when we belief in Sharing
How beautiful is the World, when we belief in the Peace